Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
