I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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