Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
