I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
