So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
