do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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