Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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