i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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