he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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