Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
