I don't usually arrange sex via text message
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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