this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize