Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
