We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
