i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
His hands were made for my vagina.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
