whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize