This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
