I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
