I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
