I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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