I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
