so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
