My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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