i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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