So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
