Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
