My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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