i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
