it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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