woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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