I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
