Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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