I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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