I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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