youre lurking in front of me
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
