I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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