the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
