I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
