Dignity is for republicans.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
