What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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