im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
