you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
