hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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