I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
