how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
