so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Randomize
