hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
