if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
