Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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