Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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