just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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