I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
