I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
