I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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