Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize