I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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